Four months ago my husband [he/him/his] broke my heart by cheating on me a second time. Four weeks ago I spiraled out into mania and believed I was close to being a god who can read minds. Four days ago I wrote a [text message] letter to my husband’s ex-lover and it went something like this:

Hi, I am sure you are not expecting any more words from me…perhaps you even blocked my number, who knows? I just wanted to let you know that the day I asked you get out of [his] head I had hit rock bottom. The fact is, I became irrational and completely delusional with mania, a very real, very serious form of mental illness. My true feelings of anger toward you [and him] have laid dormant for some time – hidden beneath layers of old scars from [his] first betrayal.

When we met for coffee on that perfectly sunny day, you said some things that were very hard to hear. I can only process them now, while the medicine I’m taking for my new found condition courses through my veins. I don’t expect you to understand my sadness and frustration – this is nothing like your run of the mill infidelity, where a husband falls in love and leaves his family. [He] has chosen to stay and explore our infinitely complex situation, a situation that I would not wish on anyone in this world of black and white… anyone except maybe for you, lover.

With every day and every night that passes – I am trying to forget you, I am trying very hard to forget what you and [he] did. The lies, deceit, and indecency of a secret and illicit affair still lay fresh in my mind. Can’t you see I need closure from you? I found it after that coffee meeting. Sweet silence in my mind, a quiet, a closure – it was beautiful to feel so strong and free sitting in front of you. You insist on staying in [his] life and so are inevitably linked to mine. I hope one day I will have it in me to forgive you and [him] for what you have done. The damage of your actions is irreparable, cruel, and completely unacceptable.

So hello and goodbye ex-current-future lover [he/him/his]. I am sorry if I’ve hurt you with these words but I just can’t continue suffering in silence on my own.

I [she/her/hers] am choosing to stay in a mixed orientation marriage because despite the pain my husband [he/him/his] has caused me, I still love him deeply – albeit in a different way. This MoM allows me to explore a unique brand of love, freedom and understanding. I hope you return to read more.