It’s been quiet at home. My husband went to visit family last week and the lack of turbulent emotion brought a peace that both scared and surprised me. In the past, his absence was so loud, the lack of his body in bed with me made me sad and listless – this time around – I felt nothing. He has managed to condition me to his lack of presence, a gift and a curse really.

We keep moving in our relationship, we keep making steps forward and back – like a dance. This past weekend we went to a wedding and my husband said to me “It’s hard to dance with you because I don’t know where your feet are.” Funny how much of a metaphor that is for our life – neither really knows where the other is going. My husband though, he is a phenomenal dancer – and so I follow him, or at least try to. The ladies in my support group call MoMs roller coasters – ours has reached that sweet spot where the ride slows down and you can take in the setting. But I don’t want our momentum to stop. So, I ask myself, do I open my end up or not?

The lover, he keeps bobbing in and out of the picture – like that ridiculous game of wack-a-mole – but I’m no longer the one striking him out. My husband confessed to me that he has asked lover to step back – that lover’s situation is too muddy and complicated, as though ours is so crystal clear. Then again, perhaps our position is crystal clear. We have this mantra [we have many mantras] but this one means most to me. We say ‘I still like you, I still love you.’ I believe this to be true, my husband, despite crushing my heart – is still my favorite person.

Momentum. We have plateaued and now I just wait for the next hill to climb, then the next drop – that gasp you feel when the ground drops out from under you.