It’s been around five weeks since my manic episode. The glorious dopamine reserves that flooded my mind and made me feel like a god are now officially clearing up – rebalancing. I lost myself, I found another version that was completely free… at my most manic, I was impossible, but when the mania had just started – wow, the wash of strength and self love and self worth, it was incredible. I felt beautiful, I felt brilliant, and I even felt like I could tap into people and heal them, emotionally that is.

The mania started on a Friday afternoon, I am not sure how all my psychological walls collapsed but they did. Something triggered me to believe my gay husband was in fact straight and just struggling with an attraction to men. It meant that he could control it, adjust through therapy to be fully mine – at least for ten years or so. This idea, it had been fueled by stories I’ve read of other women who find their husband with this problem, it’s still a struggle, but they face it together – their husbands still love them fully. My husband, his love, it’s more complicated – or maybe it has just faded because of how broken it has made me.

Do you know about King Henry VIII? He had many wives – most of who lost their heads – except for the first one. I believe her name was Queen Catherine, she denied King Henry a divorce and upheld her position as his only true wife for the duration of her life – she also kept her head, though lived out her days alone in a castle far away from Henry. Sometimes, I feel like her, I feel like this queen who will just sit up on my pedestal, tapping my foot waiting for my husband to acknowledge who I really am to him – how special I am for allowing this journey to happen.

I wrote in one of my previous posts that were it not for my husband, I would not have a story. This was an erroneous statement and a lie. I believe that with or without him I have a tremendous story, I have a life I can tap into and write about – however boring it may be if it becomes ordinary. I will always have a story, because for the first time in my life I feel awake and it’s time to start living with eyes wide open.