And also nearly ten. On April 14th, 2012 my husband and I said our second set of ‘I do’s’ – second because three years prior we sort of eloped after knowing each other for only four months. Both times, we meant it, both times, the way he looked at me was honest and loving. And somehow, after everything that has happened, we made it … to a decade together. A decade. It was a year ago though, around this time, that my husband also started to realize that the life he was living was a lie. It’s funny, I remember last year’s anniversary so well. It was kind of the last day that I recall feeling really loved by him. He had come up to kiss me goodbye before work, something he didn’t really do back then, and I remember just feeling warm and loved and safe. Later that day he brought me flowers, and we got ready for our vacation.

He started acting strange while we were on spring break. There were small tells at first and then, during a date night out while I breached the topic of another baby – he breached the topic of ‘what if I am gay in ten years?’. I remember shrugging and laughing it off. I told him, ‘what if I’m dead in five?’. I even asked him – are you gay now? The answer was no. We started growing apart after that night out, things started to slowly crack and break, until about a month after our anniversary I found the telling text messages of his affair and all hell broke loose. He came out as gay soon after, and my journey began.

It’s amazing what a year can do, though I can’t say I’ve healed. I don’t think I am the same me as pre-disclosure. I can’t say I am stronger or better because of what has happened. Frankly, I am tired. I’ve waged a war not only with him but also with myself. The fear and anxiety are subsiding, the sadness too. But I am miles away from feeling warm and loved and safe in my marriage. This would break my husband’s heart, if he ever read it. He has been trying so hard to give me comfort and love. I miss being touched though, intimately. We had an encounter about a month ago after months of zero sex. It was nice to feel him again, close to me. It’s amazing how familiar it all felt – how normal.

I don’t know what’s next for us. What I want would be difficult to grasp for any normal woman. I want my husband to be himself, but to also be mine. I want intimacy with him, and I want him to be intimate with a man too – I think it’s what he needs. He is gay, but he still loves me – its just hard to define that love. He said that our relationship is not about gender the other day. This, in my mind, is a really big leap forward for him. The puzzle of our marriage is slowly coming together, I hope that the way we put the pieces together creates something beautiful … something that I can continue to write about.