Sometimes I wonder, will I ever laugh again? Will I ever feel that all encompassing joy and lightness of being more than just ok? We all have our ugly sides, the angry, the bitter, the jealous. In my case, all those feelings get stimulated by pain and past trauma. I’m not a bad person, but I sure am human – and that means that I feel a lot – too much as a matter of fact – on some days.

So laughter, joy, elation – how do those feelings resurface when sadness consumes you? When self doubt and pain are at the forefront of your mind. Maybe it’s the moment you focus on? The fact that you woke up – to live another day, your body and mind in tact, your family healthy and happy. Gratitude, maybe that is the key to joy.

My husband and I keep having difficult conversations. Sometimes they are about how other see us, sometimes it’s about how we see each other. I woke up this morning, my mind thinking and thinking and thinking again. A dangerous predisposition of mine that can cause me to spiral out. And so I focused, and kept my mind quiet. Is it enough to just exist? To move through life minute by minute, flow and breathe and arrive at the end of our journey without actually knowing where it will end? It’s a difficult concept to grasp – when lives are meant to be lived in a certain way and certain order.

So how do I laugh again? How do I feel joy… do I ignore my reality or just embrace it and love it? Hold it and look at this sphere of my life as something unique and precious. Something that is exclusively mine and special. Strong, not frail. I want that switch to flip in my mind so badly. To see the extraordinary in what it is that I am, that we are, trying to do.

I’ll laugh again. Maybe I’m not ready today, but maybe tomorrow, when the sun rises on another day.